If I believed in luck, I'd be so overwhelmed by mine..

I had a moment of doubt Thursday Night. I was out with a guy from work, hearing his friend's band play and all of his old friends seemed to be there. People whose bones and blood he knew. It wasn't the best night, he hung out with them far more than me and, hey, I can fend for myself...but not with blasting music. I was left drifting amidst all the other concert goers, feeling alone alone. But, while I was frusterated at him putting me in that spot(to his credit, at least he seemd totally unaware of it...not like he was trying to be a capital jerk), I was more sad at how dispersed my blood and bones were.

Today thekiso called me from ireland. If there is goodness in the world, it is him. How lucky I am to be his friend, to have him call me when he is still so ill and should be sleeping. He's always in such good spirits and so much sicker than anyone else i know. I used to wonder how he could be so positive amidst all his migraines--but that's just thekiso. When i felt so shitty in ireland when I first got there, he adopted me, he took me in, and watched over me. I like to think we can all have multiple best friends but he's become more like a brother. I don't use that word lightly, though I do not know exactly what it means as I have none. I can think of one other friend I feel that way about in all the boys/men I know. I just, I hope that I can be as good a person to someone in need as he was to me...

And then there is Margaret O. To be crazy, silly, poetically alive. Thank you.

I don't want to make a list, of all the ways you and others have made my life richer, but you have. So much so that when i see others rejoice amongst friends, i feel that gnawing in my breast. Because, I know what I have lost.

Even though, you are all a (trans-atlantic) phone call away and never really gone.

faith in my abilities

I found, a $50 check from 2001. I had graduated high school and my family and I went on a cruise to Alaska as one last family hurrah before we separated for good. There was a Kareokee night and I sang something, Fiona Apple maybe? Afterwards, I ended up speaking to this woman who ran her own printing press. I told her that I wrote, even though that was long before I REALLY got into journalism...and she commissioned me to write a 400 word article for her. I couldn't believe it. I was going to be paid to write. I turned in the article, the check was sent, but never was it cashed.

I found it the other day while cleaning my closet during the big clean up. My first instict these days, ah, why didn't I cash it? But, I remember. I reasoned that it was to be the first of many, that I'd want it as a momento, my first writing assignment.

So, as I rack of the freelance assignments, getting slightly larger checks, I'm awed by my young confidence. Knowing, I wasn't wrong.