vino spilled

My cousin just came over with her 'friend' Jess and with them came a hefty bottle of red wine. I just kicked it over, spilling on the wood. I was walking to the gym today with katy, my roomate and I came to the conclusion that--I make my life more difficult than it needs to be. My rush to get to the next place often prohibits my enjoyment of the present. Likewise, sometimes i might be in such a hurry to leave the present that I get stuck there indefinitely--such as friday night when i forgot my wallet and needed to take a cab back to get it...

Today was such a quiet, peaceful day. I cleaned, ran, went to see a lyrical, melodic movie--half nelson--which was a working example of someone who has even less of their life figured out than me...and was shot rather artistically...and went grocery shopping. I'm sure I won't remember today a month from now, but sometimes the quiet is best. There's this poem by jack gilbert, where he aches for the commonplace, the mundane. Akin to letting go of a breath, not having to worry where it lands, thats how I think of everyday life. And, if it isn't pleasurable...

It was also a nice day, because i received separate emails from two of my favorite people abraod. They write in such different styles, with dave(irish boy) never writing more than a few lines, but they're always so deliberate. And each sentance means mountains. Stefan, my german friend, writes novels, filled with questions and correspondance. So, it's always interesting the days when they overlap...Of course I would prefer letters from dave, but in ways i've grown fond of his short notes.

It's not as if I have much of a choice, in any case. Hmm its funny, i've started to have spanish flashbacks. I can't control when or how, either. Just now, in fact, i remembered my last night in malaga, with raul.

Raul, was maia's (secret) lover for most of the year. Or, until her husband found out. A real nice guy, though. He let me crash with him on his air mattress--and i tried to watch the super bowl, but i was so tired i fell asleep for most of it--and everything, the announcers etc were in spanish so there weren't commercials.

Before that, though, we went with two of his friends to a remote italian restaurant that he drove to. It overlooked the city in its entirety. We walked in and passed the most amazing desert case. I ordered pizza--but before i ordered i spoke with maia, for the last time, maia and carmen--who was amazed at how clean i'd left my room. They were good flatmates and in the end, i did enjoy sharing my life with them...though goodness knows where maia is now. Carmen passed her english test--and will become a full time teacher come...well...i suppose she's already started, because it's a year on the 27th...when i left.

And then the cab driver--he was from cabra, a town next to mine and 2 hours from cabra. And, we laughed, and we talked, and then I was gone. Voliendo en el aire.

I wonder, which memory will strike next.

a war inside

Coldplay's a rush of blood to the head makes me cry. It's a trigger. When it's rainy and cold and i feel miserable but can't quite get there--i put it in and feel myself let go.

It's my pavolvian bell, really. I was given it by my dad before I went to Ireland the first time. A month later I found out my aunt was dying and I used it for comfort. Now, I don't know what I use it for.

I thought moving the 25 miles into the city of chicago would be far enough to separate me from my mother. I thought I.was.making.a.clean.cut. This was foolish on my behalf.

She still expects me to come to the house to do her bidding. I cleaned the closets, everything and sure i still have a few things kicking around the house but it is so infinitely better--and i am tired of it. I did my part, LET ME GO.

I suppose i'll just have to take all the remaining things I care about today so next time i can not show up at all. Miserable, miserable woman.

I think i'm going to discover the neighborhood gym, should put me in a more healthy mood.

last big clean up

No, i'm not cleaning a river. I'm cleaning my room. For a person who collects memories as easy as dust, it's never an easy task for me. That my mother is a clean freak makes it harder still. But, i feel like old term papers i wrote-my old teacher's comments...that's a part of me. Folded summer camp snap shots? Those too. How do you chose between children, between all the blood and cells that have made you?

Dramatic. Overly so. But, it's still painful. Growing pains, I suppose. My apartment is finally coming together and its so exciting! I'm so close to being out of MY HOUSE.

Just need to keep the eye on the prize. THE PRIZE OF FREEDOM. ha.

I was driving to work today and the radio dj at the end of a song said, "Oh, it's so great to be alive." On on the eve of this labor day weekend, it is. It really is.