futbol matches are cold

Just came back from watching julian, the ex bf of esther play futbal. IT was cold and it seems in spain, everyone just heads the ball, not really caring where the ball goes. The stadium was nestled between the mountains and for this was beautiful...but fucking freezing.

I was so excited, to write a bit here...but im still in the mode of accepting all and any social invitations so i must go now, and have..something(tomar algo) with some friends...who are really more like nice aquaintances. I had forgotten, somewhat successfuly, what having real friends felt like. And then david polk came to visit--(saw cordoba and manyy statues of jewish philosper maimonnanes who apparently prayed at this synagogue in cordoba back in the day..)and everything was SO easy. Laughing, talking, just being. And i wasn´t sad at all. I hate the feeling of when i have to roll my tongue around my mouth so i don´t cry. Thinking about him leaving today, in the car with esther i did that. I was just thankful she was so preoccupied with herself(as per usual...) that she didnt ask about him. I dont think icould have handled that. But anyways, lifes ok, off to morrocco next week! And will write more later!

I miss turkey

I say, to glenn. He replies
DON´T. IT WAS NEVER THAT GOOD.

Which, is kinda true. But playing with the wishbone was always fun, and I am SO sick of ham.

I miss myself. It´s´an odd sensation...but everytime i talk with someone on the phone, or see someone who speaks english, aftertwards, i always Gasp, saying AH THERE SHE IS! THERE´s ALISSA!

Not, aleysa. not the inglesa- just me. Im at my school now, its after hours, and i have been feeling like i want to cry all day. I, as u all know, am NOT a cryer. I am a fighter, I am a doer and I dont have time to cry. Well. How things have changed. I kept track the first month, of times i cried and times i suppressed it, times i only WANTED to cry. I think i´m pretty damn strong, surviving here as i am. Yet i still feel so exposed all the time.

Last night, maia and I cooked a gourmet turkey dinner, homemade salad dressing, turkey!!, mashed potatoes from scratch, and sweet potatoe pie. It was reallllly good. And we could say thank u to our spanish friends. Rj, the guy from pittsburgh came as well. He´s an interesting character...very stereotypcial GUY american. Says things like, ¨man that was SO bomb-ass.¨ and i was kinda worried at the beginning. Geez, im stuck in the wilderness with a bulgarian canadian and a pittsburgian yinzer. But, i must say i was wrong. They are both really quality people(have you read everything is illuminated? SO GOOD!). I don´t know, he´s just--a good person. And here, when its every man woman and child for themselves(well...not quite) that generosity is important. But, ag, one of the girls at my school saw us walking around town and now has told evveryone that he is my boyfriend, yadda yadda yadda. So, everyday i must explain nooo, amigo! solo! (only!) They dont believe me. And, honestly, i feel like we´ve all the the other has right now--in the way of relating, understanding what this is like. It´s a relationship alright--just not like that.

anywho, i miss home. i miss turkey. have some for me, yes?

Oh, grenada, how you sing to me

That is, when people aren´t pouring booze on my head. This is how it went down.
(Alissa, walking back from park bathroom during botillon, where everyone goes to park and gets smashed)
Spanish Assholë: Tienes cigarollo?(cigerette)
Alissa: No fumo( i dont smoke)
Spanish Asshole: De dondes eres(where are you from)
Alissa: Chicago
THen the spanish asshole´s friend poured some of his rum and coke on my head.

WHO DOES THAT!

That was a mild disturbance of the night. The greater one was realizing that between highschool and now, it apparently it possible to become a wholly different person. A friend i met in grenada, who i havent seen in years, used to be intelligent, well-spoken, and basically not a buffoon(sp?). Not anymore. We saw a fubal game together, the real madrid and barcelona game(INTENSE!) and he just went off about soccer and players knowing a smidge more than nothing. I used to play, i knew more than him and i wasnt tearing everyone´s ears from their sockets. Do ears have sockets? hmm. But that could also be that i´´ve become accustomed to listenign along more here. What´s that quote though? Ah yes

¨¨I´d rather say nothing and have people think me a fool, than speak up and remove all doubt. ¨´

The dumbest thing he said all night was how he and his friend, while in a small beach town, had been ¨´date raped by fat chicks.¨¨ I asked if it would have been better if it had been by a ´´not fat chick´´´and he said , gee alissa even you have to admit that for one night stands its all physical.

Clearly what happened, is that he got drunk, made a poor choice, and now wants to shirk responsability for it. But by no means is he a victim here! I don´t know, i remember him being, well and maybe im the naive one here, but nicer. More noble, or something. Ok, and now i sound prissy. Ah well. I ended up going with juan(my spanish friend from ire) to a bar with his cousins and it was loud, crowded, and stuffy but other than that good. Hmm i seem to have dipped into a negative mood. But, its just that each day here i really try my best to survive. I try my best not to cry and give up because this is the hardest thing i´ve done in my life. Give me back my thesis, my improv mag and my internship. Double, triple the work. I promise, it would have been easier.

Last night, park of the park was on a hill. I looked down and saw little spanish dots of color. Drinking, laughing, and i felt like a watcher. That, i´ve become a watcher an observer in these past 7 weeks. And, while i know am rich with material to write about, i wonder if misery really is necessary for good fiction.

ps off to morroco(i hope) in 2 weeks!

i just played football with 20 10 year olds

I don´t know whoś reading this, because its been so long since ive pòsted. Maybe i should make some announcement like, I WILL TRY HARDER! If, i still have my mass email list...which hopefully is kickin around somewhere.

Where to begin...
This past october may have been the hardest month of my life. I don´t regret it, but i´m glad my spanish has improved and i can get around a bit more now. I miss having friends at my beck and call, but that seems to be what everyone´s going through. In ways, this feels like im studying abroad again. Except, not. My school, luque o´nieva is really fantastic. ITs a great community and the kids are, for the most part, lil darlings. I feel like a celeb daily because there are 400 of them and one of me and they call call out, ÄLEYSA! HEYLO! everytime i pass. Yesterday, one of the oldest kids asked me if i ever played futbol. Well, i had some glorious ayso days. When i said yes, he seemed shocked--because the girls dont play here. They giggle on the sidelines and act all prissy. Itś not their fault, it just makes me mad how machismo certain aspects of spain are. Anywho, i played, it was much fun, and next game the other team wants me to play with them!

My housemate situation as improved as maia and i have grown more adjusted to both each other and preigo. In an odd turn of events, we´ve actually bonded over...the affair she´s having with a mutual spanish friend. It sounds awful, i know, (i really mean affair, she´s married), but she really seems to be in love with the spaniard. Raul. Her mom came to visit and she said she´s never seen maia happier in her life...but it´s like, we both know what she´s doing is wrong. But, we both know she´s doing it anyway. And, there is something uniting in that.

As for me, so far i´ve yet to find...many attractive spaniards. I don´t know, not my cup of sangria. But, i´ve also been concentrating so hard to find my bearings and not fall off the edge of the world here, i´ve been a tad occupied. Also, there´s just nothing appealing to me in stuffing myself into a crowded dance club until 7 am every weekend. I dont want to BE there half the time, let alone talk to anyone amidst the blaring music.

My other flatmate, carmen, has also warmed considerably and i really like living with her. She leaves every weekend to go back to her city to be with her family and boyfriend, LOLO(for serious), but ive been gone often on the weekends too. She has a wicked sense of humor, but surprisingly is rather conservative. She feels bad about this, like society tells us that we should all be shameless pagans. Well, not exactly. But last night we talked about how, in her opinion, america is more conservative than spain. That both parties are conservative and i tried to tell her NO, only the shamelss pagan republicans(kidding. kinda) but that because the country is so divided now, very little governing is actually occuring. We´re at a standstill. And then we began to discuss gay marriage, and how she thought the world wasnt ready for it. How kids should have a mother and a father and how if she as a teacher met two fathers, she wouldnt know what to do. She wouldnt know their roles in the childs life. Personally, i thought that was a bit selfish as its not fair that people should have to wait decades to adopt kids just so others can FEEL BETTER about it. But, it was her opinion and i know that in spain they have very strict views about family...so while i respectfully disagreed...i didnt try very hard to convince her. I don´t think its possible considering her view of family.

My view of family...is very loose indeed as some of my friends, i feel, have become members of my family throughout the past few years- being far more supportive than certain matronly characters...

LIGHTER TOPIC!


Last weekend was fun though, i stayed in preigo for the first time and went to botillon on sat. Botillon, is the night where everyone drinks in the street ps. But it rained so we were indoors. Ester, the young teacher at my school, seems to haev endless numbers of friends and so we went with some of them, hitting various bars along the way. Incidentally, no one drinks vodka here. Only rum and whisky...tsk tsk tsk. When i ordered a vodka and peach juice, people thought i was nuts but it really tastes MUCH better...ialso got in trouble for saying that whisky tastes like gasolina. OOPS. But true...

I also joined a choir! They meet twice a week and are all old enough to be my grandmother-father but ohhhcan they sing! I DO wish they were younger, but i´ll take whati can get. And, it fills time so thats good...I never thought id have too MUCH free time, but its true. Working 12 hours a week, not even having a movie theater in my town...i feel isolated much of the time. The good news is i´ve been writing much and even finished two stories! If you want to read em, i think they´re not bad, lemme know.

Anywho, gg to class but i hope everyone is well and i will try to write at least once a week!

un besito!

Tengo un salemon en casa ( i have a salamander in my house!)

So says ricardo, the four year old this morning tugging on my jacket. This statement, is pretty much status quo here. I forgot, how full of wonder little kids are. How jumping off a chair can be as exciting as a roller coaster. I like playing with them, but repeating the colors, numbers, etc is really a terribly boring job. maia, my flatmate works at the high school and seeing her homework, i must say im a bit envious because, well, sheś actually contributing to something whereas I...not so much.

In other news, I have found out that the word for NERDY is also the word for LAYING AN EGG, as both are seen as necessitating hard work. When asked what type of guys I like(which i should say was the second or third question asked of me at the botillion(night of public drunkeness)) and let me tell u, laughs abounded. So, know i am known as the egg layer. Awesome.

But, yes, the botillion...its really incredible how socially acceptable drinking is. And the hours! Every saturday in winter, no matter the weather and in summer, every weekend night the youngńs take to the parks, the streets and drink up! This begins at midnight, say until 2. Then at two the first discoteche, then at 4 the other...

Things have calmed down a bit here, which is good. My spanish has also improved, which is good. Me realizing that as much as i wanted a year of irresponsability, a year of public drunkeness of the like, that id still prefer a hardy conversation over that....not good.

Around 4:30 on tuesday morning i realized this(tuesday was a day off so FIESTA monday night). I stepped outside the club in Cabra, the next town over where my fellow american robert is, and the club I should say is themed like the old gameshow, temple of doom, templeraiders? (it was on nickolodean when we were kids) and it was so odd, looking around. I felt like I was living a dream...amidst shadows of a foreign languaga, the thumping of a dance beat, flashing lights...and i told myself to wake up(yes, id had a few cervesas) but i didnt, i couldnt wake up. And twas then i realized that i didnt know myself as well as i thought.

And i laughed. Because, it felt like i was simply--collecting another universal understanding, like a girl scout collects a badge. Except my badge was that i was, truly, at heart, an egg layer. No more, no less. And all of spain wasn going to change that.

more later...i hope!