Naysayers's no-no

My roomate's mother constantly tells her stories that sniff of failure. That leaves stains on her day and on her, not to be obvious, dreams--of becoming an actress, or, professional improviser. It's what she has in this world. I'd like to think we all have something, some talent that we can hug to our chests as uniquely ours. Maybe I can act relaxed most of the time because I know I have this gift, so I'm not constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for my desires to be scooped from me by some eagle with deeper claws. That doesn't mean I don't have other torments--that i'm not using my gifts enough--that in taking them for granted i'll never publish anything substantial--but my concerns are within arms' reach. My arms. As are Katy's. We know we are lucky.

Her mother, my mother...so much maternal angst. I am trying to understand bitterness. Or, what the appropriate reaction to it is. How much forgiveness can one produce from such a small body. Forgiveness for malicious advice, forgiveness for advice based upon sadness, forgiveness for...it all. Can our mother's not control themselves? How much can any of us control ourselves and should we have to? Maybe we can learn how to store the sadness, the way that squirrels can collect acorns but leave them at home. I wish I had a blue room. I wish I had a blue room with a door that could close. We could unload her bricks and bones. Until we were little woozy marshmallow pieces floating.

I've always thought I could be friends with anyone--as long as they themselves weren't insecure. I see insecurity as a time bomb. Don't want to be around that when it diffuses. Maybe my mother is unhappy, maybe she is bitter, maybe she deserves my forgiveness. That doesn't change the power of her atoms as they explode one after another, gathering power with their years. I hope Katy doesn't let her mother stop her; I hope she can use the negativity as fuel to her creative fire. We know that we are unlucky, too.

But, mostly, we seem to be finding out own way, which is not the easiest way, the easiest way is to follow, but it is ours. And we can sit back, leave our chests exposed, just daring anyone to come and stop us, take anything from us. We know we have much to give.