a war inside

Coldplay's a rush of blood to the head makes me cry. It's a trigger. When it's rainy and cold and i feel miserable but can't quite get there--i put it in and feel myself let go.

It's my pavolvian bell, really. I was given it by my dad before I went to Ireland the first time. A month later I found out my aunt was dying and I used it for comfort. Now, I don't know what I use it for.

I thought moving the 25 miles into the city of chicago would be far enough to separate me from my mother. I thought I.was.making.a.clean.cut. This was foolish on my behalf.

She still expects me to come to the house to do her bidding. I cleaned the closets, everything and sure i still have a few things kicking around the house but it is so infinitely better--and i am tired of it. I did my part, LET ME GO.

I suppose i'll just have to take all the remaining things I care about today so next time i can not show up at all. Miserable, miserable woman.

I think i'm going to discover the neighborhood gym, should put me in a more healthy mood.